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How to Be a Better Friend to Yourself

Changing Your Thinking Habits
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Think about how you talk to your best friend when they are having a tough day. You probably use a kind voice. You might say things like, “It’s okay, everyone makes mistakes,“ or “You tried your best, and that’s what counts.“ Now, think about what you say to yourself inside your head when you mess up. Is it just as nice? For many of us, that inner voice is a lot harsher. Learning to be kinder to yourself starts with changing that voice, and it’s one of the most powerful ways to feel less anxious.

Imagine your thoughts are like a path through a field of grass. The more you walk the same negative path, the more worn and easy it becomes to travel. If you always think, “I’m terrible at this,“ every time you face a challenge, that path becomes a deep rut. Your brain automatically goes there. The good news is you can start a new path. It takes practice, just like learning to kick a soccer ball with your weaker foot, but you can train your brain to walk a kinder route.

So, how do you start making this new path? First, try to notice the mean things you say to yourself. You might think, “I totally failed that test,“ or “I sounded so stupid when I answered in class.“ Just catching those thoughts is a huge first step. Once you notice the harsh thought, stop for a second. Then, try to change it into something you would say to a friend. Instead of “I failed that test,“ you could think, “That test was really hard, but I studied for it and I’ll do better next time.“ Instead of “I sounded stupid,“ try, “I was brave to speak up, and my opinion matters.“

This isn’t about pretending everything is perfect. It’s about being fair and honest, instead of just being critical. It’s the difference between a coach who yells at you for every mistake and a coach who points out what you did well and then helps you improve on one thing. Which coach would you rather have in your head?

Being kinder to yourself makes the world feel less scary. When your own mind isn’t working against you, challenges feel more manageable. You start to believe you can handle things, and that feeling pushes anxiety away. It’s not a magic trick that works overnight, but a habit you build little by little. Every time you choose a kinder thought, you are being a better friend to the person who matters most—you.

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Quick Tips

Why is it so hard to be kind to myself sometimes?

It’s hard because we often talk to ourselves in a way we would never talk to a friend. If a friend made a mistake, you’d probably tell them, “It’s okay, everyone messes up.“ But when we make the same mistake, our inner voice can be much harsher. We think being tough on ourselves will make us do better, but it usually just makes us feel more stressed and anxious. It’s a habit, and like any habit, it takes practice to change it into something more helpful.

How can I stop my inner critic from being so loud?

First, notice when that critical voice pops up. Just saying, “There’s that critical thought again,“ helps you see it as just a thought, not a fact. Then, talk back to it like you would to a friend. If it says, “You messed up that presentation,“ you can answer, “I was nervous, but I got through it and I’m proud of myself for trying.“ You don’t have to believe every negative thing you think. Over time, this practice makes the kinder voice stronger and louder.

I feel guilty when I take time for myself. How can I get over that?

This is very common, but remember that taking time for yourself is not a reward you earn only after finishing all your work. It is a necessary part of your work and life. You cannot run on an empty battery. Think of this time as essential maintenance, like charging your phone. You are a better friend, family member, and worker when you are rested and calm. Giving yourself permission to rest is a powerful act of kindness that helps everyone in the long run.

What does being kinder to myself actually look like in daily life?

It looks like giving yourself a break. It means noticing when you’re being self-critical and choosing to stop. For example, if you burn dinner, instead of thinking, “I’m so stupid,“ you could say, “It was an accident. I’ll try again tomorrow.“ It’s about letting yourself relax without guilt, saying “no” when you’re too busy, and celebrating small wins. It’s treating yourself with the same patience and understanding you’d readily offer to someone else you care about.

What’s a simple first step I can take to be kinder to myself today?

A great first step is to check in with yourself. A few times today, just stop and ask, “What do I need right now?“ You might be thirsty, need a five-minute walk, or just a moment to take a deep breath. Then, try to give yourself that one small thing. It doesn’t have to be big. It’s a simple way to show yourself that your needs matter. This small act builds the foundation for a much kinder relationship with yourself over time.