The Mind Reading Trap: Why You Think You Know What Others Are Thinking

This is mind reading. And it is a complete lie that your brain tells itself.

Here is the thing about mind reading. You are not actually a mind reader. Nobody is. But when you have anxiety your brain acts like it has special powers. It thinks it knows exactly what other people are thinking about you. And it almost always assumes the worst. This makes your anxiety spike through the roof for no good reason.

I used to do this all the time. I would be in a group of people and someone would yawn. My brain would say they are bored of your story. Or someone would glance at their phone. My brain would say they wish you would just shut up already. I would spend the whole night feeling terrible about myself based on things I had no proof of whatsoever. I was arguing with people in my head who had no idea I was even upset.

So how do you stop falling for this trick? You have to learn to come up with more balanced thoughts. That means you do not just accept the worst idea that pops into your head. You stop and ask yourself what else might be going on.

Here is a simple way to do it. Next time you catch yourself assuming you know what someone is thinking, stop and ask yourself three questions. First, what is the actual evidence I have for this thought? Not what your gut feeling says. Hard facts. Did that person actually say anything mean to you? Did they tell you they are mad? Or are you just guessing? Usually when you look at the real evidence, you find out there is none. Zero. You are just making stuff up inside your own head.

Second question. Is there another possible reason for what happened? That friend who did not text back for an hour? Maybe their phone died. Maybe they got busy with work. Maybe they saw your text and thought they would write back later and then forgot. Maybe their dog threw up on the carpet. There are literally a thousand possible reasons that have nothing to do with you. Your brain just picked the worst one because that is what anxious brains do.

Third question. If one of my good friends had this same thought, what would I tell them? You are probably way nicer to your friends than you are to yourself. If your friend said, I think everyone hates me because that guy looked at me weird, you would laugh and say you are being silly. You would list all the reasons why that guy might have looked that way. Maybe he had something in his eye. Maybe he was tired. Maybe he was thinking about what he wanted for lunch. You would not let your friend spiral into panic over nothing. So why do you let yourself do it?

When you start asking these questions, you begin to see that your first thought is almost always wrong or at least exaggerated. Your brain is not a reliable news source. It is more like a gossip who makes up dramatic stories to keep you on edge. You do not have to believe everything it tells you.

The next time you catch yourself reading someone else’s mind, stop and laugh at yourself a little. Say out loud, I am doing it again. I am pretending I have superpowers I do not actually have. Then think about the balanced version. Maybe they are just tired. Maybe they have their own stuff going on. Maybe they were not even thinking about you at all. That last one is actually pretty freeing. Most people are too busy worrying about their own lives to spend much time judging yours.

Changing this habit takes practice. You will forget and fall back into mind reading a hundred times. That is okay. Just keep catching yourself. Over time your brain will learn that it does not actually know what other people think. And that is a good thing. Because it means you can stop worrying about all those made up thoughts and focus on what is real. Which is usually a lot less scary.