Stop Being So Hard on Yourself

Being hard on yourself is a habit. And like any habit, you can break it. But first, you have to notice it. Next time you make a mistake, pay attention to what you say to yourself. Do you call yourself names? Do you turn a small mistake into a huge disaster in your head? Do you think about it over and over, like a broken record? That’s what we call being your own worst bully. And it doesn’t help you do better next time. In fact, it makes you feel so bad that you have less energy to fix things.

Think about what happens when a good friend messes up. They come to you upset. What do you say? You probably say something like, “Hey, it’s not that bad. You did your best. You’ll get it next time.“ You give them a pat on the back. You remind them that everyone makes mistakes. You help them see the bright side. So why not do that for yourself? You deserve the same kindness you give to other people.

One easy trick is to ask yourself a question. When that mean voice pops up, stop and ask, “What would I tell my best friend right now?“ Then say that to yourself. Say it out loud if you can, or say it in your head. Say, “You’re human. It happens. Let’s figure out how to make it better.“ That might feel weird at first. Like you’re being fake. But you’re not being fake. You’re being fair. Being fair to yourself is not the same as letting yourself off the hook. You can still own your mistake and try to fix it. You just don’t have to beat yourself up about it.

Another thing that helps is changing the words you use. Instead of saying, “I’m so dumb,“ say, “That was a dumb move.“ See the difference? The first one attacks who you are. The second one talks about one thing you did. And one thing you did can be changed. You can learn a better way next time. Mistakes are not proof that you’re broken. They’re just proof that you’re trying. And trying is a good thing.

Also, remember to give yourself credit for the good stuff. Lots of people are experts at noticing their screw-ups but totally ignore their wins. Did you make it to class on time? Did you help a friend with homework? Did you eat a decent lunch? Those are all things that went right. Your brain is good at looking for what’s wrong. You have to train it to notice what’s right. Try this: at the end of each day, think of one thing you did okay. Just one. It doesn’t have to be big. You didn’t lose your keys. That counts. The more you practice, the easier it gets to see yourself in a fairer light.

You might worry that being kinder to yourself will make you lazy. Like if you’re not mean to yourself, you’ll stop trying. But that’s a lie. Mean criticism makes you feel scared and stressed. Kindness makes you feel safe. And when you feel safe, you can think clearly. You can solve problems better. You can take chances. You can actually do better in the long run. Think of a coach. The best coaches don’t yell at their players and call them losers. They say things like, “Good effort. Now let’s work on your swing.“ That’s what you can do for yourself. Be your own good coach.

One more thing. Sometimes we are extra hard on ourselves because we think we should be perfect. But perfect isn’t real. Everyone you look up to has messed up a thousand times. Every person you think has it all together is struggling with something. Mistakes are just part of being alive. So next time you mess up, take a breath. Say to yourself, “Well, that happened. What can I learn?“ Then let it go. Don’t drag it around with you all day. You’ve got better things to do than rewind the same tape of your own failure over and over.

Changing how you talk to yourself takes time. You won’t be perfect at it. That’s okay. The goal is not to be perfect. The goal is to be a little gentler than you were yesterday. So start today. Catch that mean voice. Talk back to it like you would to a friend. And give yourself a break. You’re doing the best you can. And that’s actually pretty good.